Here is one of two separate lists that some gender variant folks developed in Atlanta. It was initially written because they found other lists in regards to sexism to be good, but incomplete and lacking in experiences of gender variant individuals.
This "list of demands" for good trans allys are lacking in MTF voices. This list comes out of their community [of mostly FTMs]. I have edited some of the list, and added a few points of my own as well. The list is far from complete, but is a good starting point for further discussions around these issues.
Stay tuned for "How to Be A Good Intersex Ally", and enjoy!
* Don't assume someone's gender identity.
* Don't constantly reference someone's gender identity in an attempt to seem OK with it. Likewise, don't think we care if you're OK with us or not. No one asked for your approval.
* Don't trip up on pronouns - if you fuck up, simply correct yourself and go on.
* Don't glamorize someone's gender identity or think it's "cool" or say that you're "into it."
* Read trans/gender theory. Know the difference between: transgender, transsexual, gender fucking, gender blending/bending, gender vs. sex, binary gender, passing, transitioning, binding, tucking, packing/stuffing, third genders, drag queens/kings, androgyny, butch, femme, crossdressing, boi, MtF, FtM, tranny boys, tranny dykes, boydykes, transfags, etc., etc., etc.!!!
* Know the difference between intersex and transgender. Think about how you would really feel if someone you loved transitioned. Think about your fears and why you have them.
* Recognize your own transphobia.
* Familiarize yourself with the processes of transitioning and surgery and hormones.
* Don't just name yourself a "trans ally" one day.
* Realize that some of us have struggled with our gender identity for a long time. Don't think that we just woke up one day and decided that we would identify as transgendered. So when we finally find a space that we're comfortable in (even if temporarily), don't co-opt that space or try to make it yours too
* Even if you think fucking with gender is hot, don't talk about it in an objectifying way.
* Realize that it can be hard existing in in-between spaces and really know that trans oppression and transphobia exist. Think about the fear of not being able to determine when you pass, the fear of being arrested/strip searched/thrown in the wrong holding cell, the threat of violence, the annoyance of having to "come out" about your gender identity constantly, etc.
* Recognize and understand the privilege of feeling at home in your body, using a public bathroom, knowing which M/F box to check, having people assume your gender identity and them being right, etc.
* Realize that there is a gender community and that the validation we receive from that community can be incomparable to what you could ever offer us, and let us seek refuge there.
* Recognize how class and race fit into these equations.
* Recognize and respect someone's gender identity regardless of whether or not they choose to have surgery or take hormones. Similarly, don't judge someone for transitioning or not wanting to identify as "transgendered."
* Don't assume that a person's transgender identity is "political."
* Don't partner with us out of some weird transitioning or coming out process for you.
* Don't ask us how we fuck.
* Question your own gender! (But don't then tell me, "You know, I've never felt like a 'real man'/'real woman' either." What this means is - don't assume our experiences are the same.
* Don't ask questions about someone to try to determine their "real gender."
* Don't think that FtM are dealing with some kind of internalized sexism.
* Don't assume our gender identity, render it invisible, or think it doesn't matter because of who we choose to partner with.
* Don't label our gender or sexual identity for us. Recognize the difference between the two!
* Don't think of our experiences and identities as monolithic.
* Don't think we are a "recent emergence" that somehow came out of gender/queer theory and academia.
* Realize that there are a variety of trans/gender expressions. Don't assume that people should express their gender similarly just because they both identify as transgendered. Likewise, don't judge someone because you think that their trans identity and gender expression conflict.
* Think about the language you use to differentiate between trans and non-trans people and if it's even necessary to differentiate.
* Don't assume trans people have a "shared experience" with people assigned the same gender.
* Don't assume FtMs are "better" than other men, or MtFs are not "as good" as other women (especially in terms of sexism).
* When doing introductions at a meeting, say the pronoun you prefer for that space along with your name, etc. (Facilitators should make sure this is done.)
* Be sensitive to pronouns you use for someone when dealing with authority, police. Keep in mind that people's pronouns/gender identity may not always match up with their I.D.
* Don't include us in your process of learning about intersex or trans issues unless we ask you about it.
* Take it upon yourself to educate yourself about issues relevant to the experiences of gender variant individuals, and don't assume that everyone's experiences are reflected in what you've read either.
* Take it easy on yourself - yes, there's a lot to know, so take it one step at a time, and don't get discouraged if you fuck up. We all make mistakes, but learn from them, and keep moving forward.