Just in Time for the Homo Holidays..

I thought I'd be dead by now, but it turns out, I'd just been living a half life.

Pupils blown and mind in outer space, the word future melts into the primordial sludge that undulates dimensions bigger than all of us. Or maybe just me. It's hard to tell anymore what's real - and what's "normal" - when all you've really got is yerself.

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We sprawl out in the living room. Three people dogpile, half-falling, from the ratty couch. Drawing pictures. Fidgeting with gadgets. Music plays in the background, but it's drowned out by the humming in my head. I'm bundled in a sleeping bag on the floor next to my girlfriend S in nothing but my underwear. She lays her head is in my lap, laughing, staring. Laughing. Staring. It slowly occurs to me that we are all doing that. And I think we've been doing that for the past two hours. Someone giggles in the hallway. Oh.
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This is a good time to give yerself a good, sturdy kick in the pants, the voices tell me. I head for the hills and spend time alone amongst the trees and dogs.

And then days, into weeks, into months, into a year, and I want to believe that, Yes, hallelujah! I am healed! Hah! Mind blown and eyes narrowed cynicism, the word hope melts into the primordial sludge of flight or fight, and in my manic state, I opt for the latter.

I wonder how long it will last this time, and I prepare myself for the end.